May 16, 2021 We started the day watching church as a family (thank goodness for online church that you can watch in your jammies with a cozy cup of coffee in hand). Macy took a good nap, I watched Cory plant his garden with pride, and then we headed out to Mark and Sandi’s to enjoy some more quality family time. This weekend has been so uplifting. My cup is full and I am so thankful to both our families for loving on us so well this weekend. Macy had the best time running around with her cousins in Grandma Sandi and Poppy’s backyard. She just took Tori’s hand and followed her everywhere. On the swing, down the slide, in the rocks, under the swing set, into the little wooden house (aka: girls secret hideaway, no boys allowed!) haha. I took so many pictures, I soaked up every minute of this day. Sitting on the porch with our family - watching our kids run around, putting on fresh nail sets, then heading in to stuff ourselves with pasta, salad and bread - it was just what my soul needed. Feeling recharged and ready to head into the week and face whatever might lie ahead.

May 15, 2021 We were already planning on being in town to celebrate my mom’s birthday with the family, but a fertility appointment this morning was the perfect excuse for a slumber party at my sister's house. After a fun night of cousin-shenanigans with our kiddos, good food and cold spirits, we woke up early and headed to the fertility clinic this morning. Cory came with me and went on a coffee run while I got my routine blood draw and ultrasound. When he came back we all headed over to Jacob’s t-ball game. Gotta love kiddos running around in a grass field, catching grounders, tossing their gloves in the air, sitting down in the grass - kid’s t-ball is top-notch entertainment! And Jakey did so good! We cheered and clapped, Macy loved watching all the kids run around and waved happily at every stranger that crossed our path. After Jake’s game we headed back to Jessa’s for Macy’s nap and Mom’s birthday party. Once awake, you couldn’t keep Macy off of Jake’s swing set -- it was “more, more” -- Cory would catch her at the bottom of the slide and then pick her up and plop her back on top for another go! She wanted to swing on Jake’s dish swing over and over again. We're going to have to get this kiddo a swing set in her own backyard someday soon! Another beautiful day, I’m so thankful for this quality family time. I know I’ll be holding onto these moments closely as I’m sitting in my chair for my first infusion…

May 13, 2021 Happy Birthday, Mom! The day started with another fertility appointment, but the fertility clinic that I travel to happens to also be in the same town as where both my parents and my older sister's family lives. That meant that I got to see and celebrate my mom on her birthday! So after my appointment I met up with my parents, Jessa and her family at Biaggi’s for a delicious lunch. I'm soaking up as much quality family time as I can. I then headed out for a “hair’apy” day with my girl, Kelsie. I know it sounds silly, but you don’t know how attached you are to something until you learn that it’s going to be gone - and you don’t have a choice in the matter. I think this will continue to be a challenge for me, coming to terms with being bald because of my chemo treatments… but I'm not thinking about that today. Today, I’m getting a nice shampoo and deep-conditioner treatment followed by a drastic chop! Kels cut my hair down to a cute, chin-length, choppy bob. It’s very different from what I’m used to. I’ve always been partial to my long hair, I’ve had short hair before, but only a few times in my life. But I knew that it was time for the first step in the transition to my hair falling out. I pray that this will make it a little easier, feel a little less dramatic, for when the time comes to shave it off before it starts falling out on its own. Not a super cheery topic today, but when I choose to look beyond the things that were hard, it’s easy to see the blessings. Quality time with family, quality time with a friend, there’s good in every day.

May 11, 2021 Work was busy this morning. I've been playing catch up and doing my best to stay on top of everything in between the days that I’m out traveling back and forth between fertility appointments and other doctor visits. It's a lot to juggle, and I almost always feel like I'm letting someone down or falling behind on something, but my team continues to be amazing and supportive of me. This afternoon was wonderful! Doug, Lauren and baby Louella came to town for some quality hangout time. I had been planning to head up to visit them before my treatments began, I wanted so badly to meet sweet baby Lou and see my girl Lauren before... everything. But she wouldn’t hear of it and instead hopped in the car with her family and came south. We spent the day catching up, loving on Louella, laughing and reminiscing - we picked up Macy early from daycare so that she could see aunt Laur and uncle Doug too, and we all went on a walk around the neighborhood to enjoy the beautiful day! These are the days that I am going to focus on. The days with my loved ones, sitting in the sun, making memories - my spirits have never been higher and I’m feeding off of the renewed sense of urgency to fight this diagnosis and put it behind me so that we can go back to actually living our lives and enjoying them with our friends and families. God has blessed us with such incredible people in our lives and I am so grateful for the unending outpour of love and support that continues to come our way.

May 10, 2021 I hit the road for my hour-long drive to the fertility clinic for an IVF check-in, will need to do this every 2-3 days over the next few weeks. The check-in starts with a blood draw to check hormone levels and then an ultrasound to see how things are progressing. After being on these meds since last Thursday, it appears things are progressing - but very slowly. We had been hopeful for an egg retrieval on Friday of this week, but that will no longer be happening. Which means our option for creating and freezing embryos instead of just eggs is no longer available to us. The hospital works with a traveling embryologist, and the Friday retrieval would have ensured we had what we needed for the embryologist to make embryos before they leave for their next hospital, but since we won’t be doing an egg retrieval by this Friday - we’ll be freezing eggs instead. There are some complications that come with freezing eggs instead of embryos. Just like with chicken eggs, they are fragile and there can be some damage to the integrity of the eggs in the freezing and thawing process, but we’re still so thankful for this option and hopeful for the chance to grow our family once we’ve put the breast cancer behind us. I made the drive home and crammed in some work, and then my afternoon was spent at the dentist office. Here’s something you might not have thought about or realized, but you can’t get your regular teeth cleaning while undergoing treatment for cancer - for a number of reasons. So luckily my dentist office was able to squeeze me in for a cleaning before everything gets started with treatment. Checking another item off the list as we slowly but surely march toward chemotherapy’s start date.

May 9, 2021 Today was a beautiful day. Cory got Macy up this morning, he brought her in for some love and snuggles and then took her downstairs to play while he made a hot breakfast and allowed me to sleep in a bit more. It was so wonderful. When I got up, I made my way downstairs to find a happy girl in her highchair preparing to eat and a plate full of hot pancakes waiting for me. Cory also had a special gift basket sitting on the table for me. It was clear to me that he had spent time looking into all the ways to make me comfortable during my chemotherapy and packed a bunch of items into a basket just for me - two new books, some candles, bath bombs, essential oils and a diffuser, and so much more. It was so incredibly thoughtful, but what’s more - he spent time writing down the kindest message full of love and encouragement in a card that I know I will treasure forever. I am so blessed to be his wife and so incredibly thankful to be Macy's momma. They are what will carry me through this diagnosis to remission. I vow to fight like hell to be here with them always and forever. My parents, sisters and their families came over in the afternoon and brought some barbecue for lunch. We laughed, we ate, we cherished our time together. I asked for photos with the moms and kids - looking to capture photographic evidence of every good moment where I still look and feel like “me” leading up to treatment and whatever comes next. There’s so much unknown lying ahead - I don’t know when I’ll start my treatment, or how my body will react to it. I don’t know how I’ll look when all my hair falls out (though I’m sure I’ll hate it no matter what). I don’t really know when this will all (God-willing) be behind me. But what I do know is that I am so thankful to be Macy’s mom. I’m so thankful to have the world’s greatest mom and mother-in-law. I’m so thankful to have incredible sisters, and sisters-in-law. I'm thankful for all the amazing men in my life; my husband, my dad, my father-in-law, my brother and brothers-in-law. I know with certainty that in this life, I have everything I need. My God is with me. He provides. He continues to make a way. I am in what I would consider to be the darkest point of my life and yet everywhere I turn I see light. I see silver linings, little God-winks, the path that He is walking for me and saying, “Just follow where I lead, step where I step, one foot in front of the other, I have given you all you need.” I’m holding on to that today.

May 7, 2021 Y’all. IVF is HARD. I don’t think I ever thought it wasn’t hard, but I now have a direct understanding of the pain that IVF mommas go through and my heart breaks for so many reasons. I mixed my medicine on my own this morning, I felt like such a failure. I kept leaving behind droplets of the solution in the vials and what was supposed to be 1mL of solution was about ½ that in the end. It took me a solid 30min to do the mixture and then finally, I tried to get excess air out of the syringe and ended up losing even more droplets of the solution out the top of the needle, instead of air bubbles. I walked away from this morning’s meds feeling defeated but determined to do better tomorrow. To my IVF mommas that I know and love - you are the ultimate badasses. I know that I’ve only got a shot at this for about 1 week, but I know you do this for weeks. Day after day, time after time, every morning for weeks, months even - giving everything that you have for the hopes of a future little miracle being born of all that time and anxiety and pain. I have always respected you for your ability to persevere, to endure, to charge ahead in the pursuit of love and family. But today, I cannot stop thinking about you and praying that you always feel seen and supported. Praying that it be God’s will for this treatment to work. I’ll go back to check on my ovary/follicle progress on Monday. If it looks like my body is responding well, then we should be able to schedule the egg retrieval for Friday morning. Sending up all the prayers.

May 6, 2021 I didn’t think it would be possible to have a day that was even more of a whirlwind than yesterday, but I think Thursday takes the cake. Cory and I had a call with Dr. Hollins, a fertility specialist in the town over. She’s the fertility specialist we were referred to by Lisa and she was extremely nice. She definitely sympathized with our situation and said that she was cautiously optimistic that she would be able to help us. She was going to do some research to see if she could find the right quick start protocol for IVF so that we could hopefully do egg retrieval in about a week. That sounded crazy to me, like some kind of Hail Mary of hope in the midst of a shitty situation. We hung up with Dr. Hollins and she called back about an hour later sounding pretty excited. She said she found a protocol that she thought would work for us and that her nurse would be in touch shortly to start setting up plans/appointments. Sure enough, nurse Donna called about an hour later and asked if I could be at their clinic in an hour for a kickoff appointment. I called my boss, took a quick shower, grabbed a to-go lunch from the sweetest husband in the world (thank you, Cory) and hit the road. I arrived about 15min. late, but I was there, and we were doing this. I had an internal ultrasound and then the nurse practitioner, Michelle, spent the afternoon (probably 2.5-3hrs) talking through every aspect, in great detail, of my medical history, family history, prognosis and ultimately the quick start IVF protocol. She walked me through how to mix the medication, administer the meds, helped me to do my first injections by myself; it was a lot. A lot more than I had anticipated when waking up this morning. We were charging ahead with fertility preservation, and so long as everything went well - we were hoping for an egg retrieval surgery a week from Friday (5/14). That’s CRAZY!? This was definitely God, once again showing up, making a way, carrying us through. Renewing hope. I can’t imagine not being able to have more little carbon copies of my sweet husband running around our lives. We had been planning on starting to try again for baby #2 this summer, our hearts were set on it, so this diagnosis broke our hearts and hopes in so many ways. It robbed us of our dreams and plans for the future. But this day, I walked away feeling hopeful once again. I know that there’s no guarantee this will work, and we have one shot at this - and if it doesn’t work this week, then we have to let it go. We have to walk away and move on to chemo treatment. But we are both choosing to be cautiously optimistic and believe in this chance.

May 5, 2021 I woke up ready to learn more about my situation. The morning started with a call with my friend and former small group leader, Laura - hearing from her encouraged me and brought a peace that I needed while I sat in the parking lot outside of the Cancer Center. When we hung up, it was time - Cory and I headed in through the sliding doors and into the reception area. We filled out paperwork, met with my breast health navigator, Lisa - she’s wonderful. It’s clear that she has a servant heart and is a very compassionate person. I feel very comfortable looking to her to help me get through all of this. Then I met with medical oncologist, Dr. Migas. He was very personable. We talked through… everything. It was a very long conversation. It was clear that he was in no hurry, and despite our designated meeting time, he was going to take as much time as needed to make sure I felt comfortable and understood everything as completely as possible. Hitting on the high points from the conversation: Diagnosis: Stage 2 triple negative breast cancer (based on tumor size, location, hormone receptors) Treat 1st with 2 rounds of chemo (AC-T) - treatments would be every other week for 4 weeks each, adding up to 16 weeks total (8 weeks of treatment, 8 weeks in between each treatment) - this is to tackle any potential spread within my body and reduce the risk for recurrence. Genetic testing determines what we will do related to surgery BRCA1/BRCA2 gene mutation present = automatic double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery If not present (please, God) then we will work with a surgeon for a lumpectomy Then follow surgery with 21 consecutive (weekdays) of radiation therapy to the R. Breast I’m still not 100% clear about the “why” behind radiation after chemo and surgery have supposedly (hopefully) gotten rid of all the cancer, except for it to maybe be a triple check that it’s all gone? Will need to ask some questions to learn more. Will I be able to keep my hair? Most likely not. This chemo regimen is aggressive and almost always leads to hair loss. I’m having a really hard time accepting this. I have always been pretty attached to my hair. It’s part of my identity. I was literally voted "Best Hair" in High School (not like that matters now. Just further driving home that point for everyone). And this just feels like the last piece of me is being stripped away, after everything else. It’s also that outward expression for all the world to see what my struggle is, what I’m facing. The world will know that I have cancer. I’ll have years of photos where I have no hair, or my hair is re-growing in a really horrible way. I’ll have to wear headcovers, wigs (which will be hot, itchy and uncomfortable), not to mention extremely expensive - for a good quality one. Macy might be scared of mommy’s new “look,” I won’t be able to feel any kind of “beautiful” when I look in the mirror, for a long time. I just keep thinking of more and more reasons why I’m dreading this part of everything. This sucks so f*cking bad. Will we be able to have children after this? Hopefully, yes. Dr. Migas said since I’m under 35, I should have a decent chance at having children in the future, and even naturally if my body can heal well. But with that in mind he also said, if there’s time, we could consider fertility preservation if we’d like and can move quickly. Lisa set up a consult call with a fertility specialist tomorrow. After meeting with Dr. Migas we met with Dr. Woodhouse, my radiation oncologist. She seemed nice. We talked through my treatment plan from Dr. Migas and the prognosis and she explained that radiation would be the final step in my process, but didn’t really bring it home for me as to why. I was also pretty wiped after my marathon discussion with Dr. Migas and was just ready to get the heck out of there so I was honestly probably a bit disconnected for our discussion. Thankfully we have some time before her role would come into play. I’ll revisit the topic of radiation with them a little later. For now, we focus on fertility preservation and then chemotherapy. When Cory and I got home, I think we both felt encouraged, it seemed like we finally had a plan at least, a timeline (sort of) and a clear list of next steps. We also had never felt so exhausted and overwhelmed in our lives. That day full of meetings felt like a lifetime, and we were barely getting started.

May 4, 2021 Today, the marathon begins. My mom came over this morning, she plans to stay the night and work from our house and be here for any additional mental/emotional/physical support during our appointment-heavy week. Things started with meeting my (potential) surgeon. I left feeling a bit frustrated - the surgeon didn’t really have any answers or insights for me regarding my condition. I didn’t learn any more about staging, prognosis, anything like that. We did however talk about how he will work closely with my oncologist team and will take his instructions from my medical oncologist - whom he affectionately referred to as our “team captain.” I was encouraged to hear the level of confidence he had for the medical oncologist my PCP recommended - I am scheduled to meet him tomorrow. We left the appointment and headed home. I am still sick with some kind of sinus junk/infection so I went to my doctor office's sick clinic in the afternoon. Turns out I have a double ear infection and probably a sinus infection of sorts too so I had to get an antibiotic and am hopeful that I’ll start feeling better soon.

May 3, 2021 Oh my goodness - not too much to report today, except - wow. We without a doubt have the most wonderful people in our lives. We have been so blessed by everyone's calls, texts, meals delivered, restaurant/DoorDash gift cards sent, bouquet upon bouquet of beautiful flowers to lift our spirits, gifts, treats, prayers - the list is never ending. We called out for the support and prayers of our family, friends, coworkers, and have been met every single day with an overwhelming outpouring of love. Gratitude, thanks, appreciation, praise - don’t even come close to how Cory and I feel and the sentiment we hope to express to those stepping outside their lives to keep us in their minds, on their hearts, lifted up in prayer. God is so good. We can never hope to repay this kindness, but I know he and I plan to spend our lives trying. Truly, with all our hearts, thank you.

May 2, 2021 We celebrated the Harden boys’ birthdays today, it was so great getting away from all things cancer. Being out with our family, enjoying the fresh air, running around the yard. Laughing and playing and watching the kids be kids. I think it’s so important to stay connected to my humanity. To focus on all the incredible blessings in our lives - our family, our nieces and nephews, the things that make us feel human, make us feel. Macy still isn’t feeling great. I feel a sore/scratchy throat thing coming on. I’m scared that being sick might set back my treatment. I can’t dwell on that, I plan to charge ahead with the next steps and upcoming appointments.